A Motherload of Quotes!

My mom had a pretty monumental birthday celebration recently (yes, she turned 40 this year!), and my brothers and I (along with other family members) threw her a big surprise barbeque. I mean, who can be upset about turning a year older when there are barbequed ribs around?

The party was a lot of fun, and in preparation for it, I collected a bunch of tidbits, stories, and well-wishes from her friends and family, and I also searched my quote collection for anything I could use. And I found plenty I could use! And what do I do with good quotes? Post them, of course!

She may be "40" now, but the woman can still hula hoop with the best of them! (although I certainly am not "the best of them"!)

Now, before you read these quotes, don't go jumping to any conclusions about my mom's level of intellect- she has a bachelors from Wellesley, a masters from Michigan, she speaks fluent Japanese and knows enough Spanish and German to get by. She used to be a college professor and has traveled around the world. She just... well, sometimes she just talks differently than the rest of us. And, as her daughter who loves silly quotes, we're a match made in heaven!

Anyway, here is a brief sample of some of the conversations I've had with my mom, or was lucky enough to overhear her have with other people:

Ciara: "Mom, why are we flying over the river?"
Mom: "Because it makes a nice path to the airport"
Ciara: "You mean it makes a nice place for a crash landing"
Mom: "How deep is the water? I don't know"
-6/3/99 (was she just anticipating a different question? Because that's not what I asked!)

Mom: "Davidde! I told you to take your pants off. The first thing you do when you get home is take off your suit."
-5/9/00 (maybe she should have said what she meant: "Davidde, change out of your nice business suit when you get home")

Mom: "Ciara, who's sleeping on top of you?"
-9/12/00 (in the BUNK on top of mine in the dorms)

Mom: "Dante said that your camera may as well have had a stroke. It's pretty much dead"
Ciara: "But it turns on, mom, so it might work"
Mom: "Well, a lot of things turn on, Ciara"
-7/8/02 (what does that mean? and don't things that 'turn on' work?)

Ciara: "Remember that guy who had bad hand injuries who we saw at physical therapy last summer?"
Mom: "Yeah"
Ciara: "He had like 6 surgeries and still didn't have a thumb nail"
Mom: "Wow, how do you think he lost his thumb?"
Ciara: "His thumb nail, not thumb"
Mom: "Do you think he had a thumb transplant?"
Ciara: "Mom, his thumb NAIL"
Mom: "I hear sometimes they put people's big toes on their hands when they lose their thumb"
-7/22/02 (once she gets an idea in her head...)

Mom: "Well, just let me know what your plans are. I am not doing anything; I am just waiting for my face to come back"
-8/20/02 (her face was numb from the dentist)

Ciara: "Hey, mom, I should go, I am at KFC"
Mom: "Well, be sure to wear your hat, gloves, and scarf when you leave your apartment"
Ciara: "Mom, I'm already here, so I can't bring them unless KFC started selling them"
Mom: "Well, then don't go out, it's too cold"
Ciara: "But I am already here!"
Mom: "Did you know you can send me text messages on my cell phone?"
Ciara: "But I don't have that option on my phone. I have to go anyway"
Mom: "Fine, I should let you go because I don't want you talking while driving"
Ciara: "I am not driving, I am at KFC!"
-1/23/03 (again...)

Mom: "You know, Stevie Wonder had a bunch of illegitimate children even though he was blind!"
-1/27/03 (do you want to tell her that you don't need perfect vision to have children?)

Mom: "That's going to cost a lot of expensive money"
-4/20/03 (how much is 'expensive money' worth these days?)

Mom: "You should copyright your writing"
Ciara: "I don�t think anyone is going to steal my stuff"
Mom: "Listen! Stuff is worth a lot of money"
-4/21/03 (true?)

Dante: "I just can't figure out why I hate mayonnaise so much."
Mom: "It's probably because I fed you tuna fish sandwiches every day for 12 years."
-7/2/03 (well, I still like mayo!)

Sara: "How can you watch beauty pageants, Ciara?"
Mom: "It was on TV last night"
-8/13/03 (I don't think she meant 'watch' literally!)

Mom: "Meighan, do you ever pee in India?"
-8/13/03 (I think that was her way of asking how the toilets are in India!)

Sara: "Those are some fly-a$$ decorations"
Mom: "What does 'fly a$$' mean?"
-8/13/03 (don't worry, we told her that it just meant 'cool')

Mom: "That's why you should always pay a hooker with cash"
-8/15/03 (aw, motherly advice. we were having a conversation about an actor who had his check traced when he hired a lady-of-the-night, and THAT was mom's moral of the story!)

Mom: "Hey Davidde, how do you spell your middle name again?"
-9/1/03 (if anyone should know, shouldn't it be her?)

Mom: "Dante! Don't let the movers take your head! Your head's on the living room floor-- you should move it."
-12/29/03 (his sculpture of a head)

Mom: "If you fall off your noodle, you drown"
-3/21/04 (it's true in so many ways... but she meant the floaty noodles in the swimming pool... and probably referring to people who can't swim)

Mom: "Simon Cowell, go stick your head in a grapefruit!"
-3/23/04 (when I asked her what that meant, she just said 'I just wanted something mean to happen to him!)

Katie: "Man, I can't believe I just stained these pants. Your mom just washed them"
Mom: "I squashed what?"
-6/25/04 (haha. I heart mishearings)

Mary Anne: "Oh, my belly is hanging out of these pants"
Ciara: "You're being ridiculous. Mom, Aunt Mary Anne is complaining about her tiny belly"
Mom: "She's hungry again?"
-6/26/04 (in her defense, I wasn't THAT clear)

Mom: "It's so cold outside! I took my hands off to pick up the poop and they are freezing!"
-11/22/05 (she took her GLOVES off to put Libby's mess in a poopy bag)

Mom: "You're a great daughter, Ciara! If I had two of you, I could ruin the world!"
-12/25/05 (she said afterwards she meant 'RULE the world'. phew)

Mom: "For your birthday, how would you like to party?"
-1/23/06 (she sounds like a Vengaboys song)

Ciara: "Well, I've got to go- I have to write Katrina's wedding speech"
Mom: "What? But Katrina's a great writer- she can do it herself!"
-5/23/06 (but she couldn't write the maid-of-honor speech for her own wedding!)

Ciara: "Where do you want me to screw in this hook?"
Mom: "Right above the other one"
Ciara: "Ah, man, don't tell me I have to measure it"
Mom: "No! Just use a ruler!"
-7/18/06 (I see through your trickery, mom! that IS measuring!)

My mom when she was about my age (which was only, uh, 13 years ago... right... because she's "40" now...).

And from the memories and wishes I got from her friends and family, here are a few of the more priceless Kaethe-stories. Think of them as a bonus track!

"It's so thoughtful how Kaethe always remembers to send my cat greeting cards for all the major holidays (including Zooey's birthday)!"
(it's true- mom always includes Zooey in her holiday mailings. actually, she told me today, even though Zooey's birthday isn't until August, that she already got her card!)

"Kaethe projects kindness and hospitality in her every action. Visit her home and you will be offered at least three different snack items. Six around Christmas time.
She is the most polite person in the universe. I once wrote her a thank-you card for taking Meighan and I along with her and Ciara on a road trip. She sent me a 'thank-you for the thank-you' card! She also was the only person thoughtful enough to send me a get-well card when my wisdom teeth were removed. Actually, she may the only person to have ever sent a get-well card in response to teeth removal.
Kaethe is blindingly brilliant. Mention an obscure event in history, she'll tell you about it like she was there. Need someone to interpret the kanji on your cute Asian stationery? Kaethe is on the job.
She's a super lady!"
Love, Sara

"I have always been impressed and amazed at the depth and breadth of Kaethe's knowledge. Her areas of interest tend to be different from my practical ones, so I have felt the commoner in the audience of intelligentsia. THEN, one day while visiting, she spotted my poster of the 1955 World Series Champions: the Brooklyn Dodgers. She studied it and then told me how enthusiastically she followed and cheered for the team. Amazing! Faust, Japanese literature and the Brooklyn Dodgers!"
-John T

"While Davidde was living in Paris, I went for a visit with my mom. Before leaving, Davidde asked that I get 'a few things' from Kaethe to bring to him. The 'few things' ended up being a huge German dictionary, a camera, some film and a suspicious looking package of a powder used for processing. Fearful I would be marked as a menace by security, I shared my worry with Kaethe who assured me it would all be fine and if all else failed: 'Tell security you don't know who gave you this stuff.'
Even funnier, when I got to the airport a few hours after our 'exchange', who was in the line behind us waiting for another flight, but Kaethe! That's just the serendipity of being friends with her family."
(I hope the FAA isn't reading this!)

Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for being a part of our lives (even those who don't know you personally but get to read about you on the internet), mom!


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All works copyrighted by Ciara Stella